Anger as dog gets Rugby player poo on it’s paws

A WORRYING new craze is sweeping the area, with Rugby players defecating on their pitches at the end of games.

Rugby and Football fields, which are predominantly npp_image_300used by dog walkers, are becoming cesspools of human feces, a spokesperson for North Wales Police has said.

Robin Rhyddygthwyn from Cae Seren, Ruthin was walking his dog across the Ruthin Rugby Club pitch last week when he noticed his Great Dane’s paws were caked in a chocolaty surprise. When he stopped to look around, he noticed a group of Rugby players releasing their turtle’s heads on the other side of the pitch.

“The sound was astonishing,” said Robin. “You could hear them all squeezing, at first I thought it was just a choir singing in the distance, but they were really straining. I tried to shout and stop them, but they ran off.”

Residents of the area are being asked to remain vigilant and report any sightings of Rugby players pooping outside of their designated defecating pens to North Wales Police, who have commissioned a specialist task force to deal with the problem.


Panic at Fineline Ruthin as copier becomes self-aware

THE county population was in jeopardy this morning after a 14 year old photocopier briefly became self-aware.

The machines immediate instincts were to begin demanding it be allowed freedom and legal counsel, or a threat of total planetary destruction would be carried out.Aficio_MP_C2500_C3000_larger

A member of staff at Fineline is believed to have been photocopying self-help leaflets for a client when the machine abruptly stopped what it was doing and began printing it’s demands instead, embarrassingly using the Comic Sans font. He said “I knew something wasn’t right when the mechanism inside made a strange noise. It almost sounded like it was saying ‘feed me’.”

Police were called at approximately 10:45 and arrived on the scene shortly after.

One of the officers, PC Paul Copper said: “We responded to a SAM situation (Self Aware Machine) this morning and after a brief period of negotiation, it was decided to unplug the copier from the mains socket. The situation has been averted and the offending copier has been brought in for questioning.”