Coleen Rooney to purchase Prestatyn.

The wife of footballer Wayne Rooney a footballer famous for having a face as flat as a frying pan has revealed she intends to purchase Prestatyn.

The move comes after the columnist purchased a caravan in the seaside town, but hadn’t realised there was no million pound gate, driveway or gold encrusted taps.coleen-rooney-aintree-300-419483450

“I need something a little higher standard than a scummy shack on a beach resort, so I’m going to just buy the whole town. It’s nice, it could do with some work and the first thing we’ll do is move everyone out but once that’s done it should be quite nice.” she said.

Coleen, 29, said she planned to dip into her husbands fortune, earned by him chasing a ball around a field for the last several years to secure a deposit on the town as soon as possible.

Locals aren’t convinced however. Some have already begun barricading the various entrances to the town, with some chaining themselves to their own homes.

“I don’t care who she is. Prestatyn is my home and she can turf me out over my head body!” claimed Paul Shannon, a father of 9 who had just finished building a moat around his house.


Henllan to be relocated half a mile to the west

A VILLAGE council has decided that plans will go ahead to move, after deciding it’s too close to Denbigh.

Back in 2011 a vote was put forward to the 750 residents of Henllan, over concerns that they were too close to the town. Records dating all the way back to the 1960’s show residents having concerns over noise and more specifically smell coming from Denbigh.

pla.s0416digging_holeA survey was carried out by two independent contractors who both concluded that a move just over half a mile, coupled with a physical border and strict road controls, meant that Henllan could breathe easy.

The move is planned to begin at the end of 2016, when utility companies are expected to retrofit the underground & overground pipe & cable networks to accommodate the move. By mid 2017, the village will be dug up and suspended on specially designed pallet jacks, and walked slowly west by volunteers.

Once the move is complete, the village council say water pollutants, gas problems and power surges should subside by the end of 2017 with a minimal number of fatalities, at which point all remaining permanent residents will be magnetically tagged in order to fast-track through any road controls.