THE town of Ruthin was changed forever on the evening of September 1st, after the equivalent of 1600 tonnes of TNT in fireworks was set off as part of a satanic wedding ritual at Ruthin Castle.
At around 10pm, several square miles of the town were flattened by the explosive power of the display, with thousands feared dead.
A nuclear penis firework, thought to have been designed by Satan himself.
Several residents of the town immediately forgot that they had ever experienced fireworks in their lives, and took to Facebook to vent their anger. The group ‘Save Our Town – Fireworks are killing us all’ has already reached 4300 members and is growing fast.
Many are taking to Facebook from beyond the grave to vent their anger. The recently deceased Mary Shabblehop, 43 from Castle Street said “I was eating a tasty lamb chop for dinner when I noticed the noise. A fireball engulfed the my house and now I’m more charred than my evening meal. The council is clearly to blame, RIP me.”
Others weren’t so quick to take against the display, George Fyllarddyn, a retired postman who moved from Wales to Canada in 1978 said “I enjoyed the display. From where we live in Toronto, you could see the fireworks go off, it wasn’t that loud.”
Efforts are now being put in action to rebuilt the town from scratch, and include a low-roof over the entire area armed with sentries, to extinguish any further fireworks before they cause any more satanic destruction.
THE entire county will be plunged into darkness during the winter months, with all street lighting being shut off after 10pm in order to save money.
George Osborne’s summer budget has stated that Denbighshire is a “waste of space” and that the estimated £15,000 per year saving will be better spent on posh dinners at downing street.
“For years we’ve been letting Denbighshire simply exist, drawing on our resources and contributing very little.” said a spokesperson for the Chancellor.
Residents will be given a 10 minute warning by way of old air sirens before the lights are shut off until 7am the following morning.
THE Prince of Wales & Camilla Parker-Bowles visited Llanarmon yesterday as part of their contractual “Best remind Wales we haven’t forgotten about them” tour, shortly before Camilla had a freak & violent public breakdown.
Camilla was whisked away after her outburst
Residents and visitors crowded the tiny village as the royal couple came to badly pour pints of beer and not pay for them before leaving everyone with a sense of uncertainty as to why.
One local pub goer Roger Sempton, 59 had ordered a pint of Rumpy Tusk and was served by Camilla. He complained when the pint had far too much head on it.
Looking at Camilla, the manager of The Raven pub jokingly quipped “Sorry mate, just can’t get the staff these days”, which caused an immediate and violent reaction from the Dutchess.
Jumping on the bar and foaming at the mouth, witnesses say Camilla was red with anger, screaming “I f***ing own you, all of you! Bloody colonials!”
Sources close to the Royal Family say Camilla has been disciplined and has said she pinky promises not to do it again.
FOUR people including a child have been hospitalised with severe shock after the man claimed he enjoyed living in Prestatyn.
David Solborne, 47 had been talking with friends about their dreams and aspirations, which as residents of the town, they are forced to drop when in high school, when he made the remark.
Three ambulances were called and Solborne was tackled to the ground and arrested by riot police.
Investigations are now under way as to why the man said what he did, and enquiries are being made to make sure that nobody else in the area has any positive thoughts, feelings or hopes for the future.
THE iconic town clock has been cautioned by police this week after nearby hotel guests reported a disturbance. Officers arriving on the scene described the sound as “like a pig with 1000 angry wasps up it’s bottom”.
The clock, which has rung for 100 years is believed to have recently returned from this year’s Download Festival at Donnington Park where it spent 5 days listening to the likes of Slipknot, Lamb of God and Evil Scarecrow.
According to friends of the clock, it received an epiphany whilst watching the aptly named band Colour of Noise and decided it didn’t want to just ring any-more.
Hotel-goers close have since been plagued by the now gothed-up clock, seen wearing eye liner and leather, with nightly KISS anthems, Iron Maiden classics and Marilyn Manson songs, which the owners are worried could bring out satanic qualities in their customers.
Police have subjected the clock to a temporary silence while the issue is resolved, and Christian Green groups are allegedly camping outside the clock to keep a vigil, playing John Denver classics on repeat in order to remove the devil from within.
IN a turnaround move, Denbighshire has lifted the ban on taxi drivers wearing shorts, only to ban them from referencing the popular foodstuff.
“We don’t think it’s acceptable for taxi drivers to be talking about meat, especially when they’re wearing shorts” said Julie Bacon from the Council transport board.
The average taxi driver
Taxi drivers operating in the area are to be tagged with an ankle bracelet which contains the latest in speech recognition technology. Any reference to the meat will result in a dose of morphine high enough to put the driver to sleep, while an automated system will bring the car to a safe and controlled stop while a replacement is called.
Some people are concerned that drivers, known for their bohemian and excessive lifestyles will abuse the Morphine shots.
Frank Hamsbottom, a 39 year old taxi driver from Rhuallt said “I’d probably dance around the subject of pork a bit, just to get a hit of the drug without having to be knocked out”.
PRINCE Charles has outlined the latest plans for the site in Denbigh, known locally and informally as ‘Denbigh Mental’.
In a letter written in 2008, the Prince of Wales said the lack of army bases catering for Lesbians made him weep, and that something should be done.
The Prince wrote: “The terrible loss of value represented by decaying buildings such as Denbigh Hospital in Wales and Torr Vale Mill in Derbyshire, for instance, makes me weep!
“In both these cases my trust has sympathetic developers, sponsors and Lesbians waiting in the wings and yet the councils still prevaricate and countless opportunities for providing a mixed form of housing tenure in attractive surroundings are being tragically and scandalously lost.
“Think of the parties! The parties!!”
The Prince has come under fire for his comments however, with some suggesting his ideas are a little last century.
“I think this shows he’s hiding something. If Prince Charles is a Lesbian he should just come out and say it.” said Danny Spauen from Dyserth.
Many are welcoming the move however, after the recent completion and success of the transgender wind turbine factory in Cyfylliog.