Kanye West asks DCC exec for a loan to buy Llanbedr School

THE controversial rapper tweeted “Yo Mehmet, ima buy yo school. invest in KeducationWest @ $5mil i promise kids be stars like me. Im the best teacher in the world.”

kanyeIn a string of requests including asking Mark Zuckerberg for a 1 billion dollar loan, it seems that Kanye now see’s himself as a teacher. “Im like jesus or moses bro, people follow what I say, I am the teacher of life. #kanyeforpresident #tidal” he tweeted shortly after.

The musician has setup a company called “KeducationWest” with a view to buying schools and presenting pre recorded e-lessons to classes of students across the world, with subject ranging from how to see through shutter-shades without stumbling, to Kanye’s own unique style of accounting and book keeping.

The companies website claims “No needless math numbers, no pointless geography mountains. Just lyrics, fashion and pictures of Kim Kardashian… everything modern education needs.”

While Kanye was unavailable for comment, DCC’s exec said “We don’t listen to 1000 parents, you really think we’ll listen to him? Actually we might… good way to put up council tax actually. We’ll get back to you on that.”

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Mold residents petition to become part of Denbighshire. Claim Flintshire is “Proper Gash”

A PETITION has been setup by residents of Mold, pleading with DCC to extend their county boundaries to include the town.

The document, titled “Flintshire? More like Flintshite! A better life for Yr Wyddgrug” has so far been signed by 8000 people and is expected to hit 10k by the close of mold-county-hallFebruary.

The author has chosen to remain anonymous due to fear of the Flintshire firing squads, however a spokesperson at the county council said that practice was almost non-existent anymore and that they’d welcome open discussion.

 

Ever since the Caerwys practice of writing “Nearly Denbighshire” on letters &
correspondence caught on and the proposed underground passage between the town and Bodfari, residents of Mold have pushed hard to be part of Denbighshire instead.

A spokesperson at Denbighshire County Council said “Not a chance! Mold is a crap name anyway, Flintshire can keep them.”

More on this when it never happens.

Kerry Katona to open new Rhyl Highschool by throwing a can of Special Brew at it.

CEREMONIAL launching of ships are celebrated by smashing a bottle of wine against the hull, and the opening of the new Rhyl High School promises takes that a step further culturally.

article-1336853-0234B1FA000005DC-596_468x326We couldn’t really understand what Katona was saying when we interviewed her over the phone, but it is understood that Carlsberg have sent the Atomic Kitten an entire case of Special Brew to practice with.

Rhyl Mayor Mellor said “We want to christen this school like they christen ships, but nowhere around here sells decent wine, so we popped into Bargain Booze and they were happy to sponsor the event.”

Carlsberg Special Brew is a popular beverage in the area, and many residents get their first taste at a young age when they leave teeth under their pillow for the tooth fairy, who in turn leaves a warm tinny instead of money.

The new high school building is set to be a state-of-the-art facility, complete with guards armed with tazers and a special “growing room” where students can learn about hydroponics, a popular town export, and It’s understood that the old high school site will be fenced off and preserved after being fumigated.

Outrage as independent shops are found to be actually opening on time.

SMALL shops around Denbighshire are facing a public backlash, as residents are voicing concerns over the opening hours.

“Standing outside shops tutting and complaining to passers by is part of my morning ritual. What am I going to do now? Do they expect us to just go into these shops that are now opening on time? What am I going to complain about to the owner now?” asks Enid Spraucher, 67 from Denbigh.

This shop is open.

This shop is open.

The outcry comes as many shops are beginning to open and shut in accordance to their advertised times, and not the previous accepted norm of up to 1 hour either way.

Historically, part of the Denbighshire scene during the hours of 8-9am and 5-6pm is that of swathes of people, sprawled across the streets complaining that the shop they need is closed.

Many people are suffering withdrawal however. Andy Hickfarm of Trefnant said he has to now walk up to shop doors, try the handle, sigh and shake his head several times before even entering, in order to get his fix.

Shop owners have apologised.

“I’ve had to lock my door for 5 or 10 minutes after 9am and stand behind it cackling at my customers just so they can get some relief.” said the proprietor of a fruit & veg shop in Denbigh.

“Jeff Brimble”, said Jeff Brimble from Ruthin.

Chester Zoo appealing for information after escaped ape found dealing drugs in Denbigh

AN ape who escaped from Chester zoo over 3 years ago has been spotted in Denbigh, under the alias ‘Dwayne the Nutter’. The primate is believed to have escaped in the night several years ago to embark upon a career as a professional typesetter, but found work was sparse and turned to the streets.

GorillaFingerDwayne has eluded police for several years but now advanced facial recognition software employed within Denbigh to make sure certain residents aren’t allowed to leave has picked up on him.

A spokesperson at Chester Zoo said: “We’re happy that Dwayne is alive, but we don’t think he should be leading this kind of life, it’s not safe. Please, come home.”

Some people aren’t convinced however, as the facial recognition software is trained to recognise monkey-like yobbo’s on back streets, so this may simply be an error as reports seem to suggest that Dwayne is sporting a baseball cap, tracksuit pants tucked into his trousers and “bling”.

Ruthin School Head suspected of crashing potato lorry on A55 to ‘Annoy the welsh’

The controversial head teacher of Ruthin School, Toby Belfield, was spotted late last night cackling manically after hijacking a lorry carrying potatoes. The sightings came just hours before the lorry crashed, spilling it’s cargo over the dual carriageway and causing massive disruption.image

Belfield, who earlier this month got in a bit of a mash over his comments about the Welsh language and education, was almost manic with glee was allegedly running around throwing potatoes at passing cars screaming the words “Narrow minded” at them in various languages, including Welsh.

Although slightly delirious, when we spoke to him he said: “This’ll show them. Look at your economy now! Not so… a-peeling now is it? Welsh potatoes?! Ha! Road potatoes!”

More on this as we chip away at the details.

Coleen Rooney to purchase Prestatyn.

The wife of footballer Wayne Rooney a footballer famous for having a face as flat as a frying pan has revealed she intends to purchase Prestatyn.

The move comes after the columnist purchased a caravan in the seaside town, but hadn’t realised there was no million pound gate, driveway or gold encrusted taps.coleen-rooney-aintree-300-419483450

“I need something a little higher standard than a scummy shack on a beach resort, so I’m going to just buy the whole town. It’s nice, it could do with some work and the first thing we’ll do is move everyone out but once that’s done it should be quite nice.” she said.

Coleen, 29, said she planned to dip into her husbands fortune, earned by him chasing a ball around a field for the last several years to secure a deposit on the town as soon as possible.

Locals aren’t convinced however. Some have already begun barricading the various entrances to the town, with some chaining themselves to their own homes.

“I don’t care who she is. Prestatyn is my home and she can turf me out over my head body!” claimed Paul Shannon, a father of 9 who had just finished building a moat around his house.