Prestatyn man arrested for publicly claiming it’s a nice place to live

FOUR people including a child have been hospitalised with severe shock after the man claimed he enjoyed living in Prestatyn.

Prestatyn East_1332429878David Solborne, 47 had been talking with friends about their dreams and aspirations, which as residents of the town, they are forced to drop when in high school, when he made the remark.

Three ambulances were called and Solborne was tackled to the ground and arrested by riot police.

Investigations are now under way as to why the man said what he did, and enquiries are being made to make sure that nobody else in the area has any positive thoughts, feelings or hopes for the future.

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Llangollen clock receives police caution after playing death metal after 11pm

THE iconic town clock has been cautioned by police this week after nearby hotel guests reported a disturbance. Officers arriving on the scene described the sound as “like a pig with 1000 angry wasps up it’s bottom”.

84eff484-4430-4d49-a9a8-a9a6071bf2f6_dThe clock, which has rung for 100 years is believed to have recently returned from this year’s Download Festival at Donnington Park where it spent 5 days listening to the likes of Slipknot, Lamb of God and Evil Scarecrow.

According to friends of the clock, it received an epiphany whilst watching the aptly named band Colour of Noise and decided it didn’t want to just ring any-more.

Hotel-goers close have since been plagued by the now gothed-up clock, seen wearing eye liner and leather, with nightly KISS anthems, Iron Maiden classics and Marilyn Manson songs, which the owners are worried could bring out satanic qualities in their customers.

Police have subjected the clock to a temporary silence while the issue is resolved, and Christian Green groups are allegedly camping outside the clock to keep a vigil, playing John Denver classics on repeat in order to remove the devil from within.

Taxi drivers in Denbighshire banned from referencing pork

IN a turnaround move, Denbighshire has lifted the ban on taxi drivers wearing shorts, only to ban them from referencing the popular foodstuff.

“We don’t think it’s acceptable for taxi drivers to be talking about meat, especially when they’re wearing shorts” said Julie Bacon from the Council transport board.

The average taxi driver

The average taxi driver

Taxi drivers operating in the area are to be tagged with an ankle bracelet which contains the latest in speech recognition technology. Any reference to the meat will result in a dose of morphine high enough to put the driver to sleep, while an automated system will bring the car to a safe and controlled stop while a replacement is called.

Some people are concerned that drivers, known for their bohemian and excessive lifestyles will abuse the Morphine shots.

Frank Hamsbottom, a 39 year old taxi driver from Rhuallt said “I’d probably dance around the subject of pork a bit, just to get a hit of the drug without having to be knocked out”.

Prince Charles says North Wales Hospital should be turned into army base for Lesbians

PRINCE Charles has outlined the latest plans for the site in Denbigh, known locally and informally as ‘Denbigh Mental’.

In a letter written in 2008, the Prince of Wales said the lack of army bases catering for Lesbians made him weep, and that something should be done.

The Prince wrote: “The terrible loss of value represented by decaying buildings such as Denbigh Hospital in Wales and Torr Vale Mill in Derbyshire, for instance, makes me weep!

“In both these cases my trust has sympathetic developers, sponsors and Lesbians waiting in the wings and yet the councils still prevaricate and countless opportunities for providing a mixed form of housing tenure in attractive surroundings are being tragically and scandalously lost.

“Think of the parties! The parties!!”cd726c1571c5138bdf30d9ff5c08f797

The Prince has come under fire for his comments however, with some suggesting his ideas are a little last century.

“I think this shows he’s hiding something. If Prince Charles is a Lesbian he should just come out and say it.” said Danny Spauen from Dyserth.

Many are welcoming the move however, after the recent completion and success of the transgender wind turbine factory in Cyfylliog.

Outrage as independent shops are found to be actually opening on time.

SMALL shops around Denbighshire are facing a public backlash, as residents are voicing concerns over the opening hours.

“Standing outside shops tutting and complaining to passers by is part of my morning ritual. What am I going to do now? Do they expect us to just go into these shops that are now opening on time? What am I going to complain about to the owner now?” asks Enid Spraucher, 67 from Denbigh.

This shop is open.

This shop is open.

The outcry comes as many shops are beginning to open and shut in accordance to their advertised times, and not the previous accepted norm of up to 1 hour either way.

Historically, part of the Denbighshire scene during the hours of 8-9am and 5-6pm is that of swathes of people, sprawled across the streets complaining that the shop they need is closed.

Many people are suffering withdrawal however. Andy Hickfarm of Trefnant said he has to now walk up to shop doors, try the handle, sigh and shake his head several times before even entering, in order to get his fix.

Shop owners have apologised.

“I’ve had to lock my door for 5 or 10 minutes after 9am and stand behind it cackling at my customers just so they can get some relief.” said the proprietor of a fruit & veg shop in Denbigh.

“Jeff Brimble”, said Jeff Brimble from Ruthin.

Residents of Bala insist town is friendly and offer to fight anyone who disagrees

PEOPLE of the Gwynedd town have spoken out, fists clenched, after a visiting man’s car window was put through on a Saturday night.

With literally nothing else to do, recent figures put over 80% of Bala’s population as being drunk at any given time, with children as young as 8 seen swigging lager-top and pretending to be more drunk than they are.

The brothers, both English said that pub goers could smell that they were from out of town before they even spoke.broken-window

“They started chanting at us in welsh in that annoying football chant way, every now and again one of them would stop and urinate on another. It was quite disturbing.”, he said.

Several respected town-folk, including police, publicans and town committee members have defended the town, calling it peaceful, friendly and quiet. Anyone who disagrees has been challenged to “meet outside the co-op for a scrap.”

When asked why there was no bouncers on the pub door, and why police took so long to respond to the incident, a spokesperson said “We normally just send little Dewi from down the road to sort stuff out. He’ll smack anyone about for a few beers.”

The attack has reiterated the need for plans that were put on hold back in 2011, to have all buildings in the town automatically locked shut for up to 3 hours every time every time there is a visitor, allowing them time to enjoy the area without having to interact with the locals.

Ruthin Chamber of Trade to begin writing bad poetry to competing businesses

“COMPETE and you will be destroyed”. This is the harrowing message delivered by the Ruthin Chamber of Trade to any businesses in the town that compete with each other.reference-letters-300x266

Last week, the chamber wrote to the Ruthin Indoor Market, asking them not to let stalls out to traders who might be committing the completely illegal act of selling something that someone else is already selling, however this has proven ineffective. Chamber members have allegedly been electronically tagged, and are being subject to mild electrical shocks when they pass within 30ft of the indoor market.

“We have to up our game. Ruthin is our town. We will dominate. We will prevail.” said an unnamed, masked spokesperson for the chamber via Skype, outlining plans to seek out competing businesses and employ local English language students to write endless verses of bad poetry and post them daily, until the businesses close.