Chester Zoo appealing for information after escaped ape found dealing drugs in Denbigh

AN ape who escaped from Chester zoo over 3 years ago has been spotted in Denbigh, under the alias ‘Dwayne the Nutter’. The primate is believed to have escaped in the night several years ago to embark upon a career as a professional typesetter, but found work was sparse and turned to the streets.

GorillaFingerDwayne has eluded police for several years but now advanced facial recognition software employed within Denbigh to make sure certain residents aren’t allowed to leave has picked up on him.

A spokesperson at Chester Zoo said: “We’re happy that Dwayne is alive, but we don’t think he should be leading this kind of life, it’s not safe. Please, come home.”

Some people aren’t convinced however, as the facial recognition software is trained to recognise monkey-like yobbo’s on back streets, so this may simply be an error as reports seem to suggest that Dwayne is sporting a baseball cap, tracksuit pants tucked into his trousers and “bling”.

Ruthin School Head suspected of crashing potato lorry on A55 to ‘Annoy the welsh’

The controversial head teacher of Ruthin School, Toby Belfield, was spotted late last night cackling manically after hijacking a lorry carrying potatoes. The sightings came just hours before the lorry crashed, spilling it’s cargo over the dual carriageway and causing massive disruption.image

Belfield, who earlier this month got in a bit of a mash over his comments about the Welsh language and education, was almost manic with glee was allegedly running around throwing potatoes at passing cars screaming the words “Narrow minded” at them in various languages, including Welsh.

Although slightly delirious, when we spoke to him he said: “This’ll show them. Look at your economy now! Not so… a-peeling now is it? Welsh potatoes?! Ha! Road potatoes!”

More on this as we chip away at the details.

Coleen Rooney to purchase Prestatyn.

The wife of footballer Wayne Rooney a footballer famous for having a face as flat as a frying pan has revealed she intends to purchase Prestatyn.

The move comes after the columnist purchased a caravan in the seaside town, but hadn’t realised there was no million pound gate, driveway or gold encrusted taps.coleen-rooney-aintree-300-419483450

“I need something a little higher standard than a scummy shack on a beach resort, so I’m going to just buy the whole town. It’s nice, it could do with some work and the first thing we’ll do is move everyone out but once that’s done it should be quite nice.” she said.

Coleen, 29, said she planned to dip into her husbands fortune, earned by him chasing a ball around a field for the last several years to secure a deposit on the town as soon as possible.

Locals aren’t convinced however. Some have already begun barricading the various entrances to the town, with some chaining themselves to their own homes.

“I don’t care who she is. Prestatyn is my home and she can turf me out over my head body!” claimed Paul Shannon, a father of 9 who had just finished building a moat around his house.

Denbighshire person of the year award handed to Denbighshire Chief Executive

MOHAMMED Mehmet is celebrating today after being awarded the title.

“We all know that Denbighshire is the best county in Wales, and that’s pretty much down to me, so I am going to be gracious in victory in accepting this award.”, he said.

The council chief, who was drunk on tequila when we spoke to him said he didn’t think he had to thank anyone for his award, adding: “I invented this award, I decide who gets it. I made this council what it is, so it’s mine fair and square.”

Sloshed on tequila, gracious in victory.

Sloshed on tequila, gracious in victory.

Residents aren’t convinced however, with some questioning how the decision was made.

Anne Spraton, 46 from Dyserth said: “We weren’t given any choice, The public should’ve been consulted. Personally I think Jim Jeffries from number 13 down the road should get it, he always fixes any problems at all the houses around here. Just yesterday he came to fix my plumbing, he’s pretty good with a spanner.”

When asked how long the award would stay with him before another Denbighshire person of the year was selected, Mr Mehmet replied: “As long as I damn well want.”

Rhyl town centre awarded ‘Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty’

RESIDENTS rejoyce today as Rhyl town centre has been awarded the coveted title.

The decision comes after continual discoveries of new and previously unknown species of wildlife in the nearby White Rose Shopping Centre over the last 3 years, and the flourishing fauna around the clock roundabout.maxresdefault (2)

“We completed the survey last month and are very happy with the decision we’ve made. We hope the town will benefit as a whole, especially now that absolutely no more developments are allowed in the town centre.” said Dan Barkfield, regional director of the AONB consortium.

Now that future development can be officially halted, Denbighshire County Council have indicated that more money will be able to flow out of the town in order to modernise and develop the surrounding areas such as Prestatyn and Dyserth.

Food shortages incoming as sheep & cattle strike against zero-hour contracts

FARM animals are forced to eat & sleep at work with little to no pay, an inquiry has found.

Zero hour contracts mean that the animals are unable to find work elsewhere, with many dying on the job.

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A secret field meeting taking place back in February

Betty, a 2 year old Beulah Speckled Face said: “We’ve had enough. Sometimes the farmer comes and shaves us. We wouldn’t mind, but his wife always seems to be wearing new woollen cardigans even though she’s clearly overweight.”

The decision was made after several secret field meetings were held over the last few months. Campaigning for more relaxed working hours, holiday entitlement and stamping out equality.

Farmers refused to comment, but it’s understood that the demonstration will happen outside the Denbighshire offices in Ruthin on Monday May 18th.

A spokesperson for North Wales Police said that a full riot squad had been ordered to keep the animals safe from hungry locals during the strikes, which could see as many as 40% of people turning vegetarian.

Derek Acorah to sue Rhyl town council after getting beaten up by yobbo ghosts.

A POPULAR TV psychic was filming in Rhyl this week for the hit TV show ‘Most Haunted’.

The trip was cut short however, after he was found on the pavement of Edward Henry Street flailing his arms and shouting incoherently. When passers by eventually stopped to help, Acorah claimed a gang of Burberry clad ghosts had assaulted him and was admitted to Bodelwyddan hospital.

acyThe TV star was physically unharmed, and discharged himself before being seen to by the psychiatric specialist.

“I should be free to go about my job without the threat of being attacked like this. They approached me and told me I was on their turf, all I wanted to do was find out if they had any messages for the living.” he said.

The only message here was Acorah receiving what he claims are ‘spiritual wounds’. He has begun proceedings to sue the town council and while he remains optimistic of a 6 figure payout, sources close to the case are admittedly dubious.