Anger as dog gets Rugby player poo on it’s paws

A WORRYING new craze is sweeping the area, with Rugby players defecating on their pitches at the end of games.

Rugby and Football fields, which are predominantly npp_image_300used by dog walkers, are becoming cesspools of human feces, a spokesperson for North Wales Police has said.

Robin Rhyddygthwyn from Cae Seren, Ruthin was walking his dog across the Ruthin Rugby Club pitch last week when he noticed his Great Dane’s paws were caked in a chocolaty surprise. When he stopped to look around, he noticed a group of Rugby players releasing their turtle’s heads on the other side of the pitch.

“The sound was astonishing,” said Robin. “You could hear them all squeezing, at first I thought it was just a choir singing in the distance, but they were really straining. I tried to shout and stop them, but they ran off.”

Residents of the area are being asked to remain vigilant and report any sightings of Rugby players pooping outside of their designated defecating pens to North Wales Police, who have commissioned a specialist task force to deal with the problem.

Kanye West asks DCC exec for a loan to buy Llanbedr School

THE controversial rapper tweeted “Yo Mehmet, ima buy yo school. invest in KeducationWest @ $5mil i promise kids be stars like me. Im the best teacher in the world.”

kanyeIn a string of requests including asking Mark Zuckerberg for a 1 billion dollar loan, it seems that Kanye now see’s himself as a teacher. “Im like jesus or moses bro, people follow what I say, I am the teacher of life. #kanyeforpresident #tidal” he tweeted shortly after.

The musician has setup a company called “KeducationWest” with a view to buying schools and presenting pre recorded e-lessons to classes of students across the world, with subject ranging from how to see through shutter-shades without stumbling, to Kanye’s own unique style of accounting and book keeping.

The companies website claims “No needless math numbers, no pointless geography mountains. Just lyrics, fashion and pictures of Kim Kardashian… everything modern education needs.”

While Kanye was unavailable for comment, DCC’s exec said “We don’t listen to 1000 parents, you really think we’ll listen to him? Actually we might… good way to put up council tax actually. We’ll get back to you on that.”

Mold residents petition to become part of Denbighshire. Claim Flintshire is “Proper Gash”

A PETITION has been setup by residents of Mold, pleading with DCC to extend their county boundaries to include the town.

The document, titled “Flintshire? More like Flintshite! A better life for Yr Wyddgrug” has so far been signed by 8000 people and is expected to hit 10k by the close of mold-county-hallFebruary.

The author has chosen to remain anonymous due to fear of the Flintshire firing squads, however a spokesperson at the county council said that practice was almost non-existent anymore and that they’d welcome open discussion.

 

Ever since the Caerwys practice of writing “Nearly Denbighshire” on letters &
correspondence caught on and the proposed underground passage between the town and Bodfari, residents of Mold have pushed hard to be part of Denbighshire instead.

A spokesperson at Denbighshire County Council said “Not a chance! Mold is a crap name anyway, Flintshire can keep them.”

More on this when it never happens.

Kerry Katona to open new Rhyl Highschool by throwing a can of Special Brew at it.

CEREMONIAL launching of ships are celebrated by smashing a bottle of wine against the hull, and the opening of the new Rhyl High School promises takes that a step further culturally.

article-1336853-0234B1FA000005DC-596_468x326We couldn’t really understand what Katona was saying when we interviewed her over the phone, but it is understood that Carlsberg have sent the Atomic Kitten an entire case of Special Brew to practice with.

Rhyl Mayor Mellor said “We want to christen this school like they christen ships, but nowhere around here sells decent wine, so we popped into Bargain Booze and they were happy to sponsor the event.”

Carlsberg Special Brew is a popular beverage in the area, and many residents get their first taste at a young age when they leave teeth under their pillow for the tooth fairy, who in turn leaves a warm tinny instead of money.

The new high school building is set to be a state-of-the-art facility, complete with guards armed with tazers and a special “growing room” where students can learn about hydroponics, a popular town export, and It’s understood that the old high school site will be fenced off and preserved after being fumigated.

‘Warped Wales’ office discovered in abandoned public toilet in Gronant

A POPULAR satirical news outlet, Warped Wales has had to picket outside a toilet as their official base of operations is put in jeopardy by county renovations.

The toilet block on the outskirts of Gronant has been abandoned since 2004 and has since become a popular dogging spot and office complex for the outlet, but plans by Denbighshire to knock down and rebuild the block has forced Warped Wales staff to strap themselves to the roof in protest.

Look at their stupid logo

Look at their stupid logo

A Denbighshire spokesperson said: “We’ll probably just knock it down anyway, we don’t need yet another copycat satirical outlet spouting the same rubbish, and obviously we know Denbighshire Today did it first.”

Warped Wales were unavailable for comment.

Denbigh wins Halloween award as all residents mistaken for “ghosts”

DUBIOUS and early celebrations are being made today as Denbigh has won the award for “Most people dressed up for Halloween in a single area” after judges walking through the town yesterday accidentally mistook all the residents for ghoulish clad facsimiles.

“They were moving very slowly, with a vacant look in their eyes and seemed to have no purpose about them.” said David Schmitz, one of the judges.

Denbigh itself is also in black and white for 200 days of the year

Denbigh itself is also in black and white for 200 days of the year

“We tried to speak to several of them, and they totally ignored us. Some simply sighed and said ‘aye’ once in a while, the entire act was extremely well thought out and convincing, or so we thought.”

The judges made their way out of Denbigh and faxed the award through to the town council, who embarrassingly had to admit that there was in fact no act going on, and that the residents were simply that vacant all the time.

Talks are now being held with the Welsh Tourism Board to turn the town into a ghostly themed adventure park once a year, where contestants from all over the world will be able to try their hand at ‘blending in’ with the undead locals for as long as they can before being chased out of the town by the alcohol fuelled zombies which appear later on in the evenings.

Outrage as Rhuddlan Bridge caught on drug fueled search for Lisa Scott-Lee

RESIDENTS and commuters are complaining of long delays after a dangerous bridge has been caught breaking into people’s houses and defecating on their carpets, causing traffic to be diverted around the town.

The bridge was closed on Saturday to allow work to make it safer, after it was deemed the weight all the extra suspicious white bags being carried over from Rhyl was making the bridge unsafe. During the repair work, the bridge, which was captured and secured in place in 1278 managed to break free and ran off into the town at night on a cocaine fueled bender.

Reports of the bridge breaking down doors, sneaking through cracked windows and then having toilet on people’s property has been reported widely.

Harry Daniels, 39 of Clwyd Avenue said “There’s bridgepoop everywhere, I’ve had to call in a professional cleaner to get the hardened remains of bottom-chocolate and white powder removed from my kitchen tiles.”

The bridge stopped by The Bridge Inn, singing Steps songs and panting violently. Witnesses heard the bridge screaming “Lisa? Where’s Lisa? Wanna make you mine, better get in line, 5 6 7 8!” repeatedly.

Police have managed to catch and subdue the bridge, which is being returned to it’s home and secured in place ready for reopening on Tuesday.

Lisa Scott-Lee, who is believed to have dated the bridge in the late 1990’s was unavailable for comment.